Today, I want to dive into answering this question that has led to significant changes for many women. Every time a woman tells me that she is now freer and happier to communicate her desires and embrace her sexuality, it’s deeply touching and enriching. Partnered sex brings in another layer of complexity, then when it is just by yourself.
Firstly, it’s important to note that each of us is different, and there isn’t a single right way to achieve this. From a scientific perspective, let's talk about the anatomy of erectile tissue. Women have as much erectile tissue as men do, but ours is inside our bodies and takes more time to become fully engorged. It takes 20 to 30 minutes of stimulation to become fully erect. If you’ve been wondering why it takes longer for you than for your male partner, this is why!
You are not imposing on him by taking more time; it’s simply how we’re built. The great thing is, once we’re ready, we can go for a long time, and it feels incredibly good!
Secondly, when it comes to partnered sex, let’s consider penetrative sex. Most women can have clitoral orgasms. The clitoris is the small, sensitive area at the top of our vulva, often covered by the clitoral hood. The clitoral gland has around 8,000 nerve endings, which, when caressed, rubbed, or vibrated, can create a heightened sense of stimulation. Try touching your clitoris while having circlusive (aka. penetrative) sex and see if it gives you more pleasure. You can also use toys to increase the intensity.
Most women know what touch feels best, so adding this touch yourself can be more stimulating than if your partner does it. Do whatever feels best for you.
Thirdly, communication is key! It can change everything when your partner knows that making your sexual experiences a shared journey of pleasure is important. Talk about what feels good to your body and don’t expect your partner to just know. Make this conversation go both ways. You never know—it could turn out to be a real turn-on for both of you as you explore what feels good to your bodies.
PS: “Circlusion means pushing something––a ring or a tube––onto something else––a nipple or a shaft. The ring and the tube are rendered active. That’s all there is to it.” - A concept by Bini Adamczak (English translation: Sophie Lewis)
Circlusion is a term coined by Bini Adamczak to reframe the concept of penetration. Traditional language makes vaginas seem passive while penises are active. By thinking of the vagina as active—surrounding, holding, and encasing the penis or dildo—we can shift our perception and empower ourselves.
Changing our language about our bodies and sexuality can create significant shifts in how we approach and enjoy sex.
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